Every snowflake is different. Every thumbprint is different. Every person in Al-Anon is different despite the common problem that brings us together.
Comparing myself to others was a defect of character that plagued me all my life and continued during my early years in Al-Anon. I focused on how others seemed to be grasping the program more quickly than I, had the “right” things to say when they shared, seemed more popular. I didn’t like myself because I wasn’t living up to what I believed to be true about others.
Today, just like the snowflake and the thumbprint, I realize that I too have special qualities. I know that my growth in Al-Anon can’t be compared with anyone else’s. I have learned that I can’t judge my insides by other people’s outsides. We’re all doing the best we can. Like every other member of the fellowship, I offer an important contribution to the Al-Anon family groups simply by participating and being myself.
Today's Reminder
A sponsor or trusted Al-Anon friend can help me see that I have value just as I am.
“It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is.”
Desiderius Erasmus
“When the student is ready, the teacher appears,” say the Zen Buddhists. Or, as an Al-Anon speaker put it, “We each get here right on time.” To me, this is an important reason to have a public relations policy based on attraction rather than promotion, as the Eleventh Tradition suggests.
My own arrival in Al-Anon was right on schedule. I first heard about the program when I was a teenager; I attended my first meeting twenty years later. I don’t regret that lapse of time because I don’t think I would have been ready to come to Al-Anon any sooner – I spent those twenty years resenting any implication from well-meaning family members that I had been affected by alcoholism. Only after years of living with the effects of the disease did I really become ready to get help. No amount of nagging would have hurried me along any faster.
Today’s Reminder
There is no magic wand that can make others ready for Al-Anon. And it’s presumptuous to assume that I have a better idea of their true path than they do. Let me help those who want help. When my life improves as a result of working the program myself, I do more to carry the message than I ever could by forcing it on others.
“Let me not dilute the effectiveness of the help I can give by letting it take the form of giving advice. I know I will never have enough insight into another’s life to tell that person what is best to do.”
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
Sometimes when I’m unhappy with my situation, I feel that God is punishing me. Once again, I’ve lost my image of a loving God and need to recover it.
It helps to call my sponsor, who reminds me that God is not a terrorist. I read Al-Anon literature and o to extra meetings. Mostly, I walk beside the river and talk with God about how afraid I am. I watch the water and thank God for the good things in my life: Al-Anon recovery, the gift of the Twelve Steps, creativity and the joy I have in expressing it, my loving Al-Anon family. After I’ve talked it through, I sit and wait until I feel God’s healing touch reassuring me, drying my tears.
The funny thing is that, after I’m through those hard times, I never truly remember the pain. What I remember is the sunshine on the water, the peace of the moment, the love of my Higher Power wrapping around me as tangibly as the sunshine. The pain is gone, but the increased trust in my Higher Power remains.
Today’s Reminder
When faced with difficult or painful situations, I can remember that a loving God is always here for me, always available as a source of comfort, guidance and peace.
No one is alone if they’ve come to believe in Power greater than themselves.
Sponsorship – What It’s All About
As a newcomer to Al-Anon, I heard that the principles of the program could lead to serenity. I’d have preferred to hear that the program would cure the alcoholic, undo the damage of the past, or at least pay the gas bill. My idea of serenity was sitting on a mountaintop with a silly grin on my face, not caring very much about anything. I was more interested in passion!
Eventually, I realized that serenity didn’t have to strip me of my passion. Instead, it offered me a sense of inner security that freed me to live my life as fully and passionately as I pleased, because it tapped into an unlimited source of energy and wisdom: a Higher Power. I could make strong choices and take risks because , with this help, I was better able to deal with anything that happened.
Nothing can compare to the drama of exploring my full potential as a human being. Once I had a taste of the rich life that could be mine with the help of Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I discovered that serenity was a great treasure.
Today’s Reminder
Today I seek serenity, knowing that when I am serene, I am capable of becoming more fully, more passionately, myself.
Without this program I could not have appreciated how truly wonderful my life can be in spite of difficult situations.
…In All Our Affairs
I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me – to be feared and envied – or below me – to be pitied. God was way, way at the top, beyond my view. That was a hard, lonely way to live, because no two people can stand uncomfortably on the same rung for very long.
When I came to Al-Anon, I found a lot of people who had decided to climb down from their ladders into the circle of fellowship. In the circle we were all one equal terms, and God was right in the center, easily accessible. When newcomers arrived, we didn’t worry about rearranging everyone’s position, we simply widened the circle.
Today, I no longer look up to people and down to others. I can look each person in the eye, squarely and honestly. Today, being humble means climbing down from the ladder of judgment of myself and others, and taking my rightful place in a worldwide circle of love and support.
Today’s Reminder
My thoughts are my teachers. Are they teaching me to love and appreciate myself and others, or are they teaching me to practice isolation? Today I will choose my teachers with greater care.
“’Live and let live’ sets us free from the compulsion to criticize, judge, condemn and retaliate... [which] can damage us far more than those against whom we use such weapons. Al-Anon helps us to learn tolerance rooted in love.”
This is Al-Anon
I thought that if I stopped enabling the alcoholic in my life, the drinking would stop. When the drinking seemed to get worse instead of better, once again I thought I had done something wrong. I was still trying to control alcoholism and its symptoms. Al-Anon has helped me to learn that I am powerless. If I choose to stop contributing to the problem, I do so because it seems to be the right thing to do, something that will help me feel better about myself.
When I change my behavior, the behavior of those around me may also change, but there is no guarantee that it will change to my liking. Today I am learning to make choices because they are good for me, not because of the effect they might have on others.
Today’s Reminder
It is hard to stop acting as I have in the past. But with Al-Anon’s support, I can be the one to break the pattern. I can choose to do what I think is right – for me.
“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life…”
Jane Seymour
After working Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps zealously for over a year, I was despondent over my continuing lapses into self-pity and resentment over the alcoholic’s inability to give me the emotional support I wanted. One evening during a meditation on the Sixth and Seventh Steps, three words seemed to flash in my mind: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character and we humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I suddenly realized that much of my zealous working of the program had been the exercise of my own limited power. With a new and sincere humility, I asked God to remove my shortcomings. When I saw the alcoholic the next morning, it was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I saw her suffering, struggling to stay sober, and I had compassion for my own struggle as well. My self-pity and resentment were gone.
Today’s Reminder
I want to be ready for shortcomings to be removed, and I will do what I can to prepare. I can develop a non-judgmental awareness of myself, accept what I discover, and be fully willing to change. But I lack the power to heal myself. Only my Higher Power can do that.
“I accept the fact that I need help in being restored to sanity, and that I cannot achieve this without help.”
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
Living with alcoholism, I learned that plans could change at any moment and that rules varied accordingly. I developed a deep mistrust of everyone and everything, because I could count on nothing.
As a result, I have often found myself jumping at any opportunity without thinking it through. Behind my action was a sense of desperation: "I'd better grab this now - this may be my only chance." Al-Anon shows me a different approach: I can live one day at a time. I can base my choices on what I feel is right for me today, rather than what I fear I might lose sometime in the future. I can think before I react to my fears, and remember that easy does it.
If I feel unable to do something today, I trust that there will be another opportunity if it is something I am meant to do. It doesn't have to be now or never, all or nothing.
Today's Reminder
Today I don't have to be limited by my old fears. Instead, I can do what seems right. I do not have to follow every suggestion or take every offer I receive. I can consider my options and pray for the guidance to choose what is best for me.
"There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word...Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.
Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else is or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then I let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desireable - agrees with what I've said or takes my advice - then I know I've lost my focus.
Today's Reminder
I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people's thinking. Trying to control other people only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself.
"We should have much peace if we would not busy ourselves with the sayings and doings of others."
Thomas a Kempis